Bloggers Award

Wow! Despite the lacking of updates i didn't expect two beautiful brides Lala & Waniez nominated me to be awarded as one of the Beautiful Blogger Award...

Thank you Ladies =) I really appreciate the nomination though honestly i have to say i am a bit blur on how this award works. *knocks head*

I also realized when someone gave the award they have to write 7 things about myself and then nominate another 15 brides to be?

So here are the 7 things about myself

1. Animated,
2. Bubbly,
3. Extremely cranky when hungry,
4. Love heights i.e not acrophobia.
5. The love for shoes never ends! Monthly is a MUST to purchase at least one pair. *sigh* 
6. Love cooking hate baking.
7. Have a hate and love relationship with lamb/muttons. 

Next, i'll tag 15 bloggers.. which i'm not sure if i'll reach 15.. =( 

1. Dinda
2. Nina GS
3. Lala
4. Nora
5. Wanie
6. Hazlynda
7. Rilla
8. Ridanara
9. Kina

Okie i've only got 9... 

Tag along.. =)

Before He Says, "Aku Terima Nikahnya.."

I found this very interesting article from Hazlynda on her post titled “From I love You to I want divorce” The original post is from Daniel Zain a professional photographer from Malaysia. I guess it’s worth the share to all the brides to be. It’s a good read and it gave you the sense of realization.  

by Daniel Zain on Saturday, August 28, 2010 at 6:14am


Assalamu'alaikum,

How has everyone's Ramadhan been? Alhamdulillah with the arrival of Isa into our lives, Mariam & I couldn't be more thankful to Allah swt for the blessings he has given us.

An important step in the life of any adult Muslim is the day he/she gets married. Subhanallah I know some of you are already in the process of looking for a spouse, and some of you may already be a few steps closer to tying the knot than I may be aware of ;)

As a wedding photographer, my job is to document that special moment when two people become husband & wife. Alas, in almost 4 years of doing this full time, several of my clients are no longer husband & wife. Several of my university friends have also gone down the road of divorce. Sometimes the reasons for divorce are complicated while some have parted ways over seemingly trivial issues. I've had the opportunity to speak to some of them during their trying moments & after their divorce. Could some of these divorces have been avoided if the couples had done something simple prior to getting married?

That simple thing is: Ask important questions before you get married

Here are some questions I believe one should ask his/her potential spouse. If you are already seeing someone and intend to marry that person, then please do not waste the opportunity to ask. It goes without saying that proper Islamic etiquettes should be observed when asking your potential spouse about the issues below.

The following are in no particular order of importance; they are just listed in the order as they pop into my mind while typing this. All the points listed here were among the causes of divorce for my clients & friends.

{Edit on 28/8/10: Not all points will be relevant to you, hence know yourself & what issues may potentially crop up based on your personality & lifestyle expectations} :

1. Living Arrangements

• Be absolutely clear about where both of you will live once you are married. If its at one of the inlaw's, then discuss how long you'll stay there before you move to your own rented/purchased home. If your spouse is unhappy after a certain period of your living arrangements, do not treat this lightly. Make an effort to have a pleasing & peaceful home experience, especially if you will be living with parents & extended family.

2. Health

• If you have any health issues, please let your potential spouse know about it. Do not give them a nasty surprise once you are married. For example, a couple i know are no longer together because the husband did not tell her that he has Erectile Dysfunction. She only found out once they were married. There are many conditions that can cause stress to build up such recurring migraines, asthma, diabetes, heart problems etc. Do not hide the existence of your medical condition(s).

3. Sex

• Don't laugh. Sex & finances are among the main reasons for divorce (add Facebook in the list these days).

• Brothers, please read up & learn about the right way to approach your wife. DO NOT rush her if she isn't ready to be intimate. A friend of mine took 9 months before she was ready to consummate the marriage. Alhamdulillah they now have 2 kids. Yes, that's an extreme example, but it happened. It could happen to you. Do not start pressuring her with fiqh, hadeeth & quran about the need to consummate the marriage as quickly as possible. It’s very likely she knows all those points already. The issue is a psychological & emotional one, not a lack of knowledge for the most part. Maybe a friend told her intercourse is very painful, maybe she doesn't feel confident about her body, and maybe she is just very shy. Be gentle, be romantic by going on short holidays together & just be patient. Oh yes, don't forget the dua's :)

• Sisters, especially if you are the very shy type, start reading up about intimacy. Don't shy away from straightforward descriptions of body parts & functions. Get comfortable & confident with your body. I don't mean exercise like crazy to get a specific body type, but know that if the guy loves you & wants to marry you, he's fine with the way you look. Sex is something you should look forward to without fear. Please know that you are entitled to & have a right to get your share of pleasure.

• If it’s confirmed that you are getting married, then ask your fiancé/soon to be spouse if it’s okay with him if it takes a while for you to be comfortable to have sex. If he gets upset, that's a red flag there! A good brother would never get upset, but he'll assure you that he'll be gentle & won’t pressure you. After all, he wants the experience to be pleasurable for both of you & not just for him. If you are shy to ask, then get a trusted third party to ask. I'm not kidding.

• Oh and one more thing brothers, don't get all paranoid & start imagining all sorts of "has she done it before?" scenarios if your wife ends up being very good in bed. Instead, be thankful.

4. Sex leads to.....Kids.

• Ask each other how soon after marriages do you plan to have kids? Don't assume your spouse has the same ideals as you do. You may wish to wait at least 1 year, whereas he thinks a baby 9 months after the nikah is obligatory. 4 kids is your perfect number, yet she wants 10, or none at all!

• What are each of your thoughts on adoption? What if one or both of you end up being impotent?

• Do not wait till you're married to ask about children.

• Pregnancy is a big deal for the lady. Some women are terrified of getting pregnant. Again, be patient and have her speak to other ladies who are pregnant/have kid to reassure her that she'll be fine. Oh wait, some men are even more terrified of having kids. Same process, get him to talk to fathers of his age.

5. Finance

• Sisters, please inquire & know how much your potential spouse earns for a living. If his salary is lower than your expectations for your lifestyle, ask yourself if you are willing to compromise. If you are used to LV, Gucci & Coach bags yet he can only afford Vincci, will that be a source of frustration for you? If the answer is yes, find out what are his plans to increase his income. On the flipside, if you are not the shopping type of girl, and handbags, shoes etc mean little to you, please don't settle for too little. At the very least know your rights on what your husband needs to spend on you.

• A girl i know is fine with her husband giving her only rm50 - rm150 a month for her toiletries, personal care & what not. She says she isn't materialistic, which alhamdulillah is good, but the result is that her husband doesn't spend a ringgit more on her. No dinner dates, no short weekend holidays. Nada. He has become complacent and forgotten his duty to support her living since she does not work.

6. Work

• Can I continue to work after we get married? Can I start working after we get married? Can I stop working? Can I switch to a lower paying job that I love? "I'll be posted in Timbuktu 3 months after our nikah, and oh yes, I'll be there for 2 years & you got to move there with me, no ifs or buts okay."

• Clarify all the above before you get married.

7. Food

• You hate cooking yet the very day of your nikah your dear hubby asks you "What are you cooking for dinner sayang?". Big problem! Yes, believe or not, a couple got divorced because of this very issue.

• Sister, especially if you work, ask him if he expects you to cook all the time. If he does, ask him if he can compromise.

• Brother, if you know she hates to cook, ask her if she's willing to learn at classes (which you pay for of course).

• She loves western food but you must have rice for every meal. Plus you hate pasta which she's obsessed with!!!

8. Housework

• Picture this: A girl's hero is her dad who happens to help out alot around the house. Daddy helps with the dishes & laundry. He doesn't complain. She then marries a brother who will have nothing to with housework. In fact, he considers it a girls job not befiting a man! Guess how happy the marriage is going to be? If only she had asked him if he's okay with helping out with the dishes after she cooked that wonderful dinner.

• Brothers, please help out around the house. Rasulullah s.a.w did, hence no excuses.

I hope this has been beneficial for you. The points I raised are far from comprehensive, there are many other seemingly trivial reasons people get divorced over. For more detailed knowledge on living as husband & wife from the Quran & Sunnah, please refer to the excellent 'Like A Garment' series by Sh. Yasir Qadhi. If anyone managed to save the entire email series of Like A Garment, please share it. Sh. Zaid Shakir & Sh. Suhaib Webb also have excellent audio lectures on the subject. Also ask good teachers on the detailed roles & responsibilities in a marriage. My points are just real world examples from real cases of couples who had to let go of their marriage.

{Edit on 28/8/10: There will many issues that crop in a marriage that one can't foresee. It's totally normal & what's required is sincere love, plenty of patience and willingness to compromise where possible to achieve a win-win situation. We mustn’t view divorcees in a negative light as well because sometimes divorce is the only solution. For some, it's a good solution that helps both parties become better people.}

I feel we should have a YMP sharing session where these issues are discussed. Brothers & sisters, we need to be prepared for the worst case scenario as well. Sometimes in the desire to get married, we only see & imagine the beautiful & sweet life ahead, and as a result we get thrown overboard when a storm comes.

May Allah taala guide all of you who are seeking your life partner. May He also guide us who are already married to remain loving & faithful to each other. May He give us righteous children who will be His servants and help make the world around them a better place.

Wassalam.

Daniel Zain Ibrahim

Wedding Bloggers & Bridesmaid.

I can’t emphasize enough that wedding bloggers especially from Malaysia is very informative when it comes to their preparation. Each and every blogger has its own unique way in approaching their wedding day preparations. Some came up with deliriously beautiful ideas on wedding management. It’s so lucky that in Malaysia there are varieties of hall to be used for their wedding day and almost all the halls is all beautiful as it is. I even told my mother that I love my wedding to be in Malaysia, preparation makes it easier, consider a bit cheaper too compared to Brunei. It would be easier for my Malaysian relatives around Miri, Kuching and Bintulu but tough for my Bruneian relatives and friends.


Anyhow, I can’t THANK YOU enough for the heads up and inspiration on the bloggers wedding preparations. Especially on the tips on their Jakarta trip! At least I get a rough estimate how much money I will be spending there and what to seek for too. You see, I’m trying to plan my wedding without menyusahkan banyak my friends or relatives because they have a life, commitments and family to take care of. Since I’m the only girl between my siblings, preparations are a bit tough for me. InsyALLAH I hope I can manage my own wedding and be my own wedding planner. I have my bestfriend helping me out but she’s only available on weekends because she’s working in Seria.

Speaking of which, BRIDESMAID!

I’ve never come across Bruneian weddings having bridesmaid. There maybe few weddings that has bridesmaid but not the wedding that I’ve attended. Most of the weddings that I know only has flower girls which when one of them is very playful, everyone jumps in being playful and out of sync! Most well; all Malaysian weddings has bridesmaid! And I sort of like the idea of it too… first, if I have my girlfriends they could help in the seating arrangement... I.e. they can easily guide my other friends/ work colleagues to a certain area.

One thing about Brunei wedding even in hotels have this ladies on one side and men on the other and no mixed seating’s unless the bride request for only her friends to have mixed seating’s. This separate seating is still practice up till now and this makes the guest list even more because of the ladies. I’m not blaming but its fact. You go to a wedding with your husband/boyfriend/fiancé then when it comes to seating you get separated. The guys? Don’t worry because they can make friends easily and don’t care much but for us the ladies, we don’t want to be left alone, SO; we tag along our friend/children/sister to accompany us which makes the guest list +1! I did consult my parents that if would be nice to have mixed seating’s but due circumstances of M.I.B (Melayu Islam Beraja) my dad didn’t quiet agree on mixed seating’s because he’s afraid people might talk about it after the wedding. *rolls eyes* But still! I’m trying my best to convince for a mixed seating’s if my wedding to be held in some hotel or hall.

Back to bridesmaid! They could help me with preparations too especially me being the only girl in my siblings. I see a lot more benefits too which I am not sure what! What are the tasks of a Bridesmaid in a Malay Wedding? Its blur and I haven’t had the exact idea on it. However, how do I choose my bridesmaid? I know I have one maid of honor which is my best friend of more than 10 years! Bridesmaid… what is the maximum number? 8 is a crowd don’t you think?

On the bridesmaid attire, I have exactly what colors, design in mind! Shopping in Jakarta for bridesmaid attire would be one task! Need to get the right colors to match with their skin.

I’m sooooo excited just writing about bridesmaid till I’m lost in words! Till next time. I think I need to put in some pictures to make it move lively! Haha

The 6th Consumer Fair is happening NOW till the 1st of August 2010, held at the Bridex Hall at Jerudong. I heard that the ticket to London only cost BND$777! Dirt cheap I tell you! *sigh* I haven’t got the chance to go there and I heard the crowd.. ramai berabis! Since I’m not good in big crowds, I get nervous breakdown so I’m not going there. =( BUT, I have a Miri weekend getaway today!

Have a lovely weekend ladies!